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While most people cannot imagine life as a couple unless they live under the same roof others feel the need to withdraw into their "nest" and thus maintain a form of independence. Living Apart Together long considered unthinkable in our societies, has become a growing phenomenon.Recent studies indicate that individuals in living apart together (LAT) arrangements make up approximately 10% of the adult population in North America and Western Europe. Is there a "typical" profile of a person particularly inclined to this type of relationship? What advantages and disadvantages does this mode of operation entail? Let's take a closer look.
People Over 50 Are Fans of Each to Their Own!
Several studies show that older partners who have entered into a "each to their own" type of relationship are less inclined than younger partners to move in together in the long term. Several factors explain this trend. Boomers are no longer hesitant to divorce and start over. They have experienced a first relationship phase, most often based on a traditional model with marriage and parenting under one roof. However, this first phase of life sometimes leaves scars, and they know how routine and constant sharing of intimacy can wear down a relationship. It is noteworthy that, in most cases, it is the female partner who proposes and even demands to live separately. After all, who better than she has had to take on domestic tasks as well as those related to parenting? It's not surprising that once separated, they want to take care of themselves and regain a certain form of independence. Also, the older we get, the more difficult it is to accept changing our habits and stepping out of our comfort zone. If we have experienced a period of singleness after widowhood or divorce, we may not want to make the effort to adapt to the partner's rhythm and make concessions on our lifestyle. Finally, the economic aspect is not negligible. For most retirees as being homeowners, already having paid of their mortgage living separately does not appear as an additional financial burden.
Living Apart Together to Preserve Both the Couple and Oneself!
It should be noted that non-cohabitation does not work with all types of personalities. A possessive person may not necessarily cope well with being away from their partner. Trust between spouses must be strong! Similarly, one must know how to communicate and intervene as soon as a situation becomes sensitive and risks worsening. However, being together and living apart seems attractive in many respects. Firstly, it allows you to escape the routine and constant sharing of intimacy, both of which tend to wear down a couple. It is a relationship that is not burdened by domestic, material, and family considerations. Conversely, scheduling meetings for intimate moments creates anticipation and thus maintains romance, passion, and... libido! As Ghislaine Paris, a French sexologist rightly points out, "Living apart together prevents familiarity from harming the romantic and sexual relationship. The absence of the other, the lack, fosters the imagination, a fundamental element to nurture desire." Choosing the right time to meet makes you completely available. Waiting to be in the right frame of mind allows you to spend a moment that you know in advance will be enjoyable and thus preserve your relationship. Finally, returning to one's personal space also means being able to be alone with oneself and meet one's needs. It is an excellent way to protect oneself from a kind of alienation often inherent in a couple's life. Psychoanalyst Sophie Cadalen explains this with these words: "A couple's life unfolds all the better when each spouse has the opportunity to have their own psychic space. Living in different places can precisely help better preserve this space."
However, even if these arguments seem appealing, do they not leave us with a sense of incompleteness, as if the relationship remains superficial
Shared Life, the Only Guarantee of a Strong Union?
Considering a somewhat separate life while still loving each other may seem unsatisfactory because it is selfish and opposes what love embodies: generosity, availability, commitment. Not wanting to confront the constraints of daily life may seem illusory and immature. Isn't loving each other also about facing obstacles and annoyances together? It is, supporting your partner and being present at all times to support them. Are the foundations of marriage not based on the precept... "I promise to be by your side in good times and bad?" Living each on their own thus does not seem to represent a healthy foundation for building a strong and solid relationship. How can common long-term projects be envisaged under these conditions? Does this choice of living apart together not reflect, in many cases, a fear of commitment? On the other hand, having to organize and make appointments to meet removes all spontaneity from the relationship and can end up wearing out the couple. Finally, let's remember that the economic aspect is a significant obstacle for many. How many couples can bear the burden of two homes?
Does the success of this principle of non-cohabitation ultimately fit into the evolution of our society characterized by increasing individualism? This "be free and be yourself,, confirms: "Today, no one wants to sacrifice their self, their personal fulfillment on the altar of the couple"...
Have you experienced or are you experiencing “living apart together”? Was this a carefully considered choice, well accepted by your partner? What advantages and disadvantages do you see?
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Editor, 08.02.2024
