...Necessarily The One You Think It Might Be.

After my divorce in 2013, and for 2 or 3 years subsequent to that, the idea of dating again was about the furthest thing from my mind. Contrary to what my closest friends (and some family members) thought might be best for me - to get out there and meet someone - just hadn't entered the realm of my thinking. Being so soon after the divorce, and to be perectly honest, it felt tre-mendously shallow to even entertain the idea.

My entire life had changed as I knew it. The details of my life had become very different; I felt as if I was drifting in unchartered waters looking for a shoreline that just wasn't there. While my friends seemed to envy my "freedom", I was struggling inside to hang onto my lifejacket and reconstruct my life.

But within the last year or so, I've noticed a big change in the way I view the entire dating situation. After nearly 3 years of reorganizing my new life into one as a single individual, I had had plenty of time to think.

I believe many of us, if not most, have a specific image of the type of partner we want: Good-looking, tall, short, blonde, brunette, funny, intelligent, clever, and so on. I believe we nurture this imaginary person in our minds, and without realizing it, possibly reject partners that may be ideal for us.

All of this said, it begs the question: "How important is physical attraction?" I believe it differs with each and every individual, and can be purely subjective. For me, it may be a look in the eye, it may be the way she walks, ect., not necessarily the way she "looks". Speaking for myself, I imagine my ideal partner as a mindset, a certain personality, a set of specific morals and values, grounded, with simple wants and needs - not a vivid image of outward beauty and materialistic needs. So for me, it requires talking and connecting and taking time to get to know someone.

I think the answer may lie in keeping an open mind with the people we meet, and perhaps taking a little more time than we normally do to see past the surface of what we want them to be. Right at this moment, there is someone on this planet feeling exactly as you feel. And right at this moment, there is someone on this planet wanting the exact same things out of life that you want. Millions of people perhaps, are living a life paralell to your own, and more often than not, we don't take the time to find out.
Wow Jazen,,,,you really hit home on this with me. Married 3 times, 1st was too co-dependent, 2nd was too controlling, 3rd was the best and he passed in 2008 after 10 yrs together..Daughter is 33 now, raised her basically by myself until the third marriage, she thought of him as her real father. I made more money in the 90's than I do now and it's hard to keep afloat. I know alot of men, but none have had that so-called enchanting charisma that makes me want to test the waters per se. I am a patient woman and you are right,, i will wait for that special person who is on the same plateau as I to make the rest of my life memorable and satisfying.. Looks are not everything for sure,, i consider myself an eyesore when i am nakee, lol....but,, there IS someone out there to look past the flaws and focus on the internal, heartfelt attributes.I know you are once (i think) bitten and twice shy, but your outlook on the future is awesome. I know you will meet the right woman for you in time. Patience IS a virtue.
Always,
Sylvia
Thank you for the kind words, Sylvia, it truly means a lot coming from someone I consider to have a true and good heart. Just as I mentioned in my post above, I believe I "see more" through words with someone I've never met as opposed to meeting someone in person when the both of you are concerned with first impressions. You and I have been here for some time now and we've chatted often.

The "enchanted charisma", as you say, I believe is what most of us are looking for, and exactly what I was eluding to in my post. A look. A smile at the right time, a brush of the hand as you walk by. Something that other person has that you simply cannot describe.

But anyway, and you made me laugh, I guarantee there's a guy out there, that if he takes the time to get to know you - naked or not - he won't even see the flaws you think you have.

Jay
You have come a long way and you have done remarkably well for yourself and I am sure your blog will help many others that are walking in your shoes. Well done and continue to share. x

Just sending u a song that I like

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dn51LxzSHf0
Thank you, Pearl, and thank you for the beautiful song.
Hi Jazen, and Bw and Pearl,
Like you Jazen, after a somewhat one sided marriage, we called it quits after 18yrs, she didnt want or like married life with 5 kids, so i took them all on, when we divorced.
I learnt many things from my time alone with the kids, and one thing stuck out above all others, and that was a point you hit on Jazen, about finding someone who just stimulates your mindset, with the wow factor, and that, looks for me, are not important, as having the same mindset, that really makes everything feel so special, and that for once in your life, you feel that it would be time to go forward once again, and at least this time round, you know, it would be the right decision. I have been lucky in my time here, in that, i have made so many good friends, and that has been reciprocated to me also.
I know, that if i was so inclined(which i am not) i know of quite a few ladies who have approached me, and who i have been honoured to share a great friendship with, could have turned into something much more. . . . . . . . but i wasn`t looking to do that when i joined up, and then, out of the blue, something very special did, and is still happening, with a very very special person, who, i can honestly say, just takes my breath away, in what we share, and that is something both of us, never want to lose.
Good luck to whatever you look for or find in the future to all of you.
Chris.
Great post, Chris. What you've done is commendable, and I say that not just because you're a guy, but anyone that takes on the entire responsiblity of raising their children alone should be commended. Man or woman.

Sadly, as we all know, there are many parents that choose the 'easy way out' over the mass responsibility of maintaining a solid household and staying still so their children can move through life. I'm not talking about the people that leave a bad marriage (abuse, etc.) per se, but the ones that simply want to be free of it all, no matter who it hurts. I personally cannot fathom a day without my own; they're either with me or in my thoughts constantly.

Like you, when I joined up, I wasn't sure what I was doing or what I wanted. In some sense, I still don't know, lol.

But anyway, it's fantastic that you've found someone special - someone that makes it all worthwhile. I'm pretty sure we all want that eventually too. I wish you the best of luck.

Jay
I'm getting to know and understand more and more about you jazen through your words....very heart felt...we all have our stories that are hard to express...you have a talent in doing that...keep them coming...I enjoy reading them...you seem like a wonderful guy...I'm sure you will find the right lady some day...
Thank you for the kind words, ginny. I know you have a story as well, but I also understand some of us prefer to keep our private lives just that - private.

My last post (and Chris's post) made me think back and pause for a moment as to why I joined this site in the first place. I initially became a member in January of 2016 (divorced in 2013), and thinking back to that time, I know now that I was in no condition to date anyone. I still had many unresolved issues to work through at that point, and even several months after.

But as time went on, I began to see so many people here experiencing similar things in their lives. I think for me, that connection became more important than the dating aspect altogether. At least at that point in time.

There are people here that are single, divorced, widowed, separated, and even married, but I believe most are here for a common fulfillment; that human connection that we all so desperately need in our lives whether it be a romantic connection or a simple friendship. It's our basic instinct, and no matter how 'old' we get, I believe we're always going to need it.

All of that being on the table, I suppose I'm a hard person to get to know, and perhaps that seeps out into my everyday life. However, I have always found peace in writing, so essentially I must be in the right place.
Yes jazen we all need that connection...even though it is scary for a lot of us...feeling vulnerable is so hard to overcome...because of life experiences...and as we get older the loneliness comes...and we feel this must be it for me...so we do a lot of things alone...afraid to risk being hurt yet again...it's a very sad and lonely place to be in...but you know what?....we just put one foot in front of the other...we do things alone...we never know when we might meet that other person that is also alone...it may take a look...a smile...a kind gesture...a helpful hand...then a spark ;)
Chris your reply to his message was very beautiful and an inspirational too. I admire how you bought up 5 kids on your own (hats off to you)and they also must have blossomed so very well making you a proud dad.
Not everyone gets a sec ond chance. If you do get one, take advantage of it because it’s a gift, and it may be something better than you had before! We all nned to Take chances, make mistakes. That’s how we grow. Pain nourishes our courage. We have to fail in order to practice being brave

Life always offers us a second chance. It’s called tomorrow. So don’t give up in whatever you are trying to find. Please continue to share as it might help another someplace somewhere
You are so right Ginny. We just need to come out ot that shell that we feel secured comfortable and safe in and be the real us and not bother who and how we are judged. A tongue doe not have a backbone so continues to wag wag. So get out there and chat away lol :D
Go for it Chris...be happy...what some would give to be in your shoes...you've been a good daddy...that is a rare thing these days.. Now enjoy yourself...that in turn will make your children happier too...wishing you well...ginny :)
wow Jay, you Chris, Sylvia,Pearl and Ginny have really covered it from an intellectual view. You all have shown great insight and understanding of where your going ,what brought you to this point, and what the future may bring you. Jay I have always envied your gift of expressing your feelings, and Chris its so good to see a good guy find a great lady that brings happiness to you both. Sylvia your my friend and if anyone deserves another shot to be happy you do, Pearl your new but you bring great insight and empathy in your comments and blogs. Ginny you bring a woman's perspective that's helpful to understand a complicated subject, As for me and I'm a pretty basic man there was no thinking, or logic ,or thoughtful evaluation involved. when i came here i met her, and her wit and intelligence just blew away any doubt or hesitation it was an emotional tide that swept us both away and thankfully it has worked .I guess not how you should go about it but it worked for us. I wish you all the very best..
Nice post Walker its nice to see so many sharing their feelings on a blog that has touched them in some way. it just depends what circumstance Walker and what each one is looking for on here. ts good to know that there is hope for many on here.