Two years ago, I moved into the house of a man I fell for ( God knows why... ?). He claimed / claims to be divorced since about 6 years. Children live with the ex ( assuming she's the ex and not the current wife as I'm suspecting ). Anyway, to cut a long story as short as possible: in two years, this guy has never slept at home. He claims that it's because of his live of work, that he has to be on call and works nights. Thing is, he seems to work days too , so...he never sleeps? Also, in two years, this guy has never taken me out, never shared a meal or drink with me and more often than not he completely ignores my existence in the house apart from when he wants intimacy ( physical ). In addition, he spent 2 years playing controlling games with me and kind of intimidating me ( as in saying that he always knows what I do even when he's absent...well, he's absent most of the time , so I felt watched without knowing by who ). Each time I confront him ( nicely ), he denies being back with his ex, but on the other hand he goes everyday to pick the children up from school, which is odd bearing in mind that the ex has a car and doesn't work. He told his mates that I'm his tenant!! Sure, I pay my way in the house... in fact I'm either paying his morgage or the ex wife, I look after the house, clean, wash, buy stuff, etc. BUT...I would most certainly never allow intimacy with him ( or anyone ) outside of a relationship. I tried to leave a couple of times already, but each time he went mad at me and then suddenly started being all nice for one or two weeks, only to return to his old abnoxious ways straight thereafter ( when he thinks he's got me safe and trusting again ) .
The result of all this? Well, I completely lost my self esteem to the point that now I lost my job too ( sure, I'll get another one, but that is not the point...the point is that the way this guy treats me for so long has been destroying me to the piint that I knwo run around thinking I can't do anything...like I've gone from intelligent to a useless looser ). I have also been loosing friends because they tired of witnessing all the drama since I got involved with this guy and they wanted me to leave him but I never had the courage ( for some sick reason, I love this guy with all my heart...but he doesn't love me, as his actions quite obviously show ). I also caught him lying about the most ridiculous things, but of course he denies that too. He says he cares about me but claims to be terrible at communicating, yet...well, I see him communicating perfectly with everyone else...even people he doesn't really know.
The tragic of it all, is that I cannot prove that he's living with his ex wife. I feel that he is, but I cannot prove it and cannot follow him either...he'd catch me.
To my horror, this guy messed with my emotions so much, that I have pretty much ruining my own life / future...all because I became very defensive and insecure / frightened ( this affected my behavior at work too and that is why I lost my job and it was a very good job ). I also turned down a once in a lifetime new job opportunity to move on and start my life from scratch far away from him, which I now totally regret.
As he started realsing that I'm suspicious about his double life, he know hired workers to refurbish the house for! I didn't ask him for anything though. Oh but, of course, while the refurbishment is being done, he left me alone with ther workers to face the domestic building mayhem, while he went on vacation abroad.
I feel totally lost and scared...scared of my future ( if I'll have any ); scared that I maybe spending these two years with a guy that might be married or back with his ex and I know nothing about it. I'm scared that the neighbors know the truth and might think I'm his mistress ( I;'d never be anyone mistress ... just the thought of it is enough to make me feel awful ). But... how do I know and what shall I do?? I have no energy, I just cry my eyes out in despair and in fear...fear from people, fear from life, fear that my suspicious might really be the truth. I;'m not looking after my wellbeing at all...it;s like I suddenly ( and secretely ) gave up on myself and on life... all, because I feel used, foolish, vulnerable and above all...I feel like I am being played and of what might happen to me. I feel really lonely and frightened.
Sorry... this post is really awful.