Hi Tamara.   Thank you.  I do like chocolate sometimes. :)  Some people also told me that I had to hurry because at my age my chances of meeting a man is running out.  I know the feeling of scared, scared to be alone... scared of everythings though.   I also had a lot of questions with no answer....what will I do, what will happen to me, I do not want to be alone....and so more...  There could be a lot of reason why he do not want to go in public with you....he could be he had something to hide, maybe he is not free, and the worst one is maybe he do not love you...  I know it is hard to leave, so hard, and some people do not understand why people in this kind of situation do not go....  but I do understand why a person do not go...so many reasons.   It is easy to say to someone "Hey, leave... but it is not always easy to do ..."  I do also understand why you stay...   Your words are not awful, you need help...that all.   
tamara1 wrote: Hello Heidiandgoats,

Thank you for having taken the time to reply to my post.
Yes, it sounds like you and I should be living together... we certainly seem to be living quite a few similarities. :0)

I'm very sorry for what you're going through with the divorce in the US and a LDR in the UK. Long distance relationship of romantic nature must be incredibly hard and frustrating. Your UK guy sounds quite like mine...hot and cold, on and off. I personally think that life is too short for all this. I mean, why can't people just enjoy each other without all these games? It's really shocking to see adults behaving so poorly... even 5 year olds behave better these days.

As to your guy having mental & emotional issues... sadly, that seems to be a pattern with men in the UK , not to mention the selfishness and deviousness ( not all men, of course, but incredibly many ). I never understood why...don't think I'll ever understand, but it's very sad to watch and certainly awful to live with...it just drags everyone down and destroys us.

I don't know what to advise you, as I'm really no expert in LDRs, but I truly hope you find the best solution for you. Does he want to have a future with you, just like you do with him?
One thing I dare suggesting though... whatever you do, never ever move country because of a man, unless you are sure of his intentions and you're married to him. Be very careful with these LDRs...sure they work for some people but not for many...from what I observe, that type of relationship, more often than not, seem to bring nothing but heartache.

As to my guy... well, I don't know what to say really. He continues insisting that he isn't back with the ex wife, but on the other hand he shuts me off from his life ( on and off ) and never sleeps at home. The fact that he never took me out in two years nor eats with me really bothers me and it's very hard. It feels like I'm not worthy or something, although I'm quite attractive, look way younger than my years and do seem to still turn heads wherever I go ( so people keep telling me ). In addition, I am a very hard working person, have varied interests, help everybody. So I know I am a good , kind and caring person and don't deserve being treating like this...nobody does actually. It's just cruel, but this guy seems to enjoying playing cruel and mean mind games with me and then, when he seems me in tears he goes all nice...till the next time, that is.

The craziest thing, however, is that I love this guy to the point of putting him before myself and my own future. Sometimes I think I must have become totally delusional really and in utter confusion.

Hope you have a lovely day and please feel free to write to me...you're most welcome.
T


hi again tamara,

people have told me that i'm "self-harming" by trying to hang onto this LDR. it really is hurting me and i can see that, but like you, i just can't let go. we're hurting ourselves for sure by hanging onto these men, aren't we?

like you, i love this guy very much and i know he cares for me but he's so unpredictable. he would like to see me again and then again, it won't bother him too much if he doesn't. he even talked about us getting married but then he says he never will....it's enough to drive a person to the looney bin. when he wants to talk, i'm supposed to be there and when i want to talk, he may not want to. and as for visiting, well, he's got those mental problems and he just doesn't want to come to the US right now. he's just not in love with me like i am with him and he's not really able to, anyway.

and for me going back to visit, i've had problems with being able to enter england. i tried to come with him last december (after a holiday in spain) but was refused entry and had to return to spain and then to the US. that was a real shock to me and i still haven't gotten over it. i didn't have a return ticket and no set plans so immigration thought that i wanted to stay there illegally with him, which i had NO intention of doing. i applied for a visa and was also refused because i hadn't declared my "romantic relationship" on the application. i had said that we're friends, which to this guy , we really are and i have to accept it as that. we never even had any intimacy except for some kisses and hugs. but immigration is very strict and didn't believe what i was telling them. now i'm twice refused from entering the UK, although i sure hope to be able to return someday. it's a terrible mess i've gotten myself into because of this guy. and like you, i just can't quite let go. i'm hoping that time will give me courage to do that. i don't see any other way except to cut off communication with him and get my life in order so that i can visit the UK again. i just feel like a middle age nutter right now. i didn't ask to meet this guy when i was in england, but it just had to happen - just a couple of days before i had to return to the US, too.

good luck to the both of us in detaching from these harmful relationships we're in. it sounds like you really have a difficult one with the way you love him but he doesn't treat you right at all. love obsession is so hard to get over...i've been trying for months but keep in touch with the very person who i need to get over. you really need to get away from this guy, too. we love these guys and all they do is hurt us....they don't see what they'll be losing but there's nothing to be done about that.
THE HIGHWAY OF LOVE
/ Being with the one you love can be like driving at a comfortable speed with the cruise control’ on.

/When with the one you love, never will there be a need to veer sideways down byways away from the direction meant for two lovers to go.

/When headed in the same direction with the one you love, there will never be a reason to get lost anywhere except for in the depth of her.

/To see the sights of the beauty of love with her, will be a sight beyond belief.

/ There will be no need to try to speed up, seeking in desperation to make a resurrection to the common direction of the love connection that first set the wheels of devotion in motion as long as you stay on course.
Better to ride in style than to ride a horse.

/When with the one you love – there is need to stop at the filler-up station, because “Love Potion Number Nine” works just fine.
/It would be wise to never look elsewhere to discover another whom you think you lack, because the ride you have chosen with the one you love is the best ride of your life as long as she has proven true, so Consider yourself lucky she loves you back, because A Honey like her comes rare and few.
/Being with the one you love who loves you back is the one kinda trip made for lovers willing to go all the way where the road has no end. So if you have found her, take your foot off the petal, and your hand off the wheel, so you can feel the love while cruising straight ahead.
PoetryWriterAuthor wrote: THE HIGHWAY OF LOVE
/ Being with the one you love can be like driving at a comfortable speed with the cruise control’ on.

/When with the one you love, never will there be a need to veer sideways down byways away from the direction meant for two lovers to go.

/When headed in the same direction with the one you love, there will never be a reason to get lost anywhere except for in the depth of her.

/To see the sights of the beauty of love with her, will be a sight beyond belief.

/ There will be no need to try to speed up, seeking in desperation to make a resurrection to the common direction of the love connection that first set the wheels of devotion in motion as long as you stay on course.
Better to ride in style than to ride a horse.

/When with the one you love – there is need to stop at the filler-up station, because “Love Potion Number Nine” works just fine.
/It would be wise to never look elsewhere to discover another whom you think you lack, because the ride you have chosen with the one you love is the best ride of your life as long as she has proven true, so Consider yourself lucky she loves you back, because A Honey like her comes rare and few.
/Being with the one you love who loves you back is the one kinda trip made for lovers willing to go all the way where the road has no end. So if you have found her, take your foot off the petal, and your hand off the wheel, so you can feel the love while cruising straight ahead.


what a sweet poem. it's a lucky woman who finds a man who truly appreciates her love. us women really do love you guys but we end up getting hurt so many times. wish i would have found that guy who truly appeciated me years ago.
tamara1 wrote: Hi. I start by apologising because I really shouldn't be coming to a place like this with my nightmare story, but I really need help and don't know where to get it from nor who to trust. I am actually getting scared of people in the real world.

Two years ago, I moved into the house of a man I fell for ( God knows why... ?). He claimed / claims to be divorced since about 6 years. Children live with the ex ( assuming she's the ex and not the current wife as I'm suspecting ). Anyway, to cut a long story as short as possible: in two years, this guy has never slept at home. He claims that it's because of his live of work, that he has to be on call and works nights. Thing is, he seems to work days too , so...he never sleeps? Also, in two years, this guy has never taken me out, never shared a meal or drink with me and more often than not he completely ignores my existence in the house apart from when he wants intimacy ( physical ). In addition, he spent 2 years playing controlling games with me and kind of intimidating me ( as in saying that he always knows what I do even when he's absent...well, he's absent most of the time , so I felt watched without knowing by who ). Each time I confront him ( nicely ), he denies being back with his ex, but on the other hand he goes everyday to pick the children up from school, which is odd bearing in mind that the ex has a car and doesn't work. He told his mates that I'm his tenant!! Sure, I pay my way in the house... in fact I'm either paying his morgage or the ex wife, I look after the house, clean, wash, buy stuff, etc. BUT...I would most certainly never allow intimacy with him ( or anyone ) outside of a relationship. I tried to leave a couple of times already, but each time he went mad at me and then suddenly started being all nice for one or two weeks, only to return to his old abnoxious ways straight thereafter ( when he thinks he's got me safe and trusting again ) .
The result of all this? Well, I completely lost my self esteem to the point that now I lost my job too ( sure, I'll get another one, but that is not the point...the point is that the way this guy treats me for so long has been destroying me to the piint that I knwo run around thinking I can't do anything...like I've gone from intelligent to a useless looser ). I have also been loosing friends because they tired of witnessing all the drama since I got involved with this guy and they wanted me to leave him but I never had the courage ( for some sick reason, I love this guy with all my heart...but he doesn't love me, as his actions quite obviously show ). I also caught him lying about the most ridiculous things, but of course he denies that too. He says he cares about me but claims to be terrible at communicating, yet...well, I see him communicating perfectly with everyone else...even people he doesn't really know.

The tragic of it all, is that I cannot prove that he's living with his ex wife. I feel that he is, but I cannot prove it and cannot follow him either...he'd catch me.
..
To my horror, this guy messed with my emotions so much, that I have pretty much ruining my own life / future...all because I became very defensive and insecure / frightened ( this affected my behavior at work too and that is why I lost my job and it was a very good job ). I also turned down a once in a lifetime new job opportunity to move on and start my life from scratch far away from him, which I now totally regret.

As he started realsing that I'm suspicious about his double life, he know hired workers to refurbish the house for! I didn't ask him for anything though. Oh but, of course, while the refurbishment is being done, he left me alone with ther workers to face the domestic building mayhem, while he went on vacation abroad.

I feel totally lost and scared...scared of my future ( if I'll have any ); scared that I maybe spending these two years with a guy that might be married or back with his ex and I know nothing about it. I'm scared that the neighbors know the truth and might think I'm his mistress ( I;'d never be anyone mistress ... just the thought of it is enough to make me feel awful ). But... how do I know and what shall I do?? I have no energy, I just cry my eyes out in despair and in fear...fear from people, fear from life, fear that my suspicious might really be the truth. I;'m not looking after my wellbeing at all...it;s like I suddenly ( and secretely ) gave up on myself and on life... all, because I feel used, foolish, vulnerable and above all...I feel like I am being played and of what might happen to me. I feel really lonely and frightened.

Sorry... this post is really awful.


We all have our own nightmare story to share, that is why this site is great for support in your time of need!
We are here for you when ever you need support!
Star
It's sounds as though you need to speak to a counsellor.... The loss of one's self-worth must be a terrible thing........

There are probably agencies around you that can provide help and advice, hopefully through your health care system.

Take care,

singleme 
big big hug to you tamara. never ever be sorry for your feelings ,or reaching out for support .some times letting every thing out on paper or in text on a site like this is exsactley what you need to do at a given time to help you make seance of all that must be going around in your head , some times asking a question 2 others will awaken a answer in our own self . read back what you have written as if you were reading a post by some one else , what advice would you give them ? no one can tell you what to do sweet lady but we can help you each step of the way with love and support via the net , never feel alone your angels are with you and guiding you ,
blessings and light are always close by  xx  
Hi T: You keep calling this a relationship when it is not. Let's face facts. This is not a relationship, no sugar coating here. You have all the answers already. You know what you have to do and reaching out here is a good first step. Good for you! This is a good place, many of us have been through something like this too.

Second step I think, my opinion only, is to find a person in whom you can confide. You need support. Someone you can lean on for a little while. That's o.k. Some day it might be your turn for someone to lean on you. Could be your doctor, could be a minister, could be a really good female friend, you know who you can reach out to in your area. Do not be shy or hesitant about it. You have every right to happiness and every right to say "NO", no more. You are stronger than you think.

The future can be scary or overwhelming. I suggest to take it one day at a time, it's all you have. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow isn't here yet. Sometimes we have to take responsibility for our own actions, you are in charge of you. Your happiness doesn't depend on him, you can create your own and should. It's your job, not his. I understand about finding a new job and how that would be necessary for your financial support. Good on you that you are working and supporting yourself. That's great. To me, you know how to take care of yourself already.

Ask yourself this question: Where will you be in two years time waiting for him? And where is it you would like to be in two years time? Do they match?

Hope this helps you to think things through. We are here to support you through this and I bet every one here is hoping you succeed! Rooting and cheering for YOU!
Hello everyone,

First of all, thank you so much to everyone who so kindly took the time to reply to me and write so supportive words. It's amazing how complete strangers who have never met me are more supportive than those who know me in real life ( with exception for one very good female friend I have, everybody disappeared the minute I started going down hill because of my story with the man in my life ).

I apologize for not having written in a long while but I have been running around like a headless chicken, to be honest. Part of my time has been spent looking for a new permanent job and attending interviews ( God knows how ) and the rest of my time has been spent crying my eyes out and not only not knowing how to move forward but also somehow wishing I could die ( I'm not dramatic as I am coming across...am just being honest with my feelings and what's going on with me ).

In my absence from this forum, there has been developments on my man's front ( sorry, to me, in my heart, he is my man, cause he is the one I truly love above anything or anyone else in this world ... I never thought that one day I'd be saying this, but there you go...it's the truth).

Do you remember the kitchen refurbishment story I told you about, when my guy said that he was only wanting to put a new kitchen in for me and to please me, although I never asked for anything nor have I ever made comments about the old kitchen? Well, unfortunately the truth came out and broke my heart even more ( not because of the kitchen, but because of the hidden agenda that now came to light ). It turns out that my guy got the builders in to install a new kitchen and pretty much refurbish most of the house, because he is preparing to rent out the house and just keep it as investment! It also came to light that he recently came to a substantial amount of money via his work, bought 2 other houses without telling me anything about it. I was informed about it by a neighbor who mentioned it to me, thinking I knew ( only I knew nothing ). I then confronted ( nicely ) my guy and he said that it is true, he bought two other houses to rent out as that will be his pension. He also told me that he hadn't said anything to me, because this won't affect me and he only tells me things that affect me. When, after that, I started seeing that the builders were actually refurbishing the whole house, I sensed that something wasn't right, so I spoke to my guy again. This time he said that he's doing this house up ( where we live ) so he can then rent it out as well, because he decided to go abroad for two years. He also said that he'd be going in 6 months ish once he'd get a job in the country he wants to go to, and that he wants me to look for another house or apartment for me to live, because once he goes abroad, he'll then come to the UK each 3 months and will stay with me. He said this less than 2 weeks ago. Last week, he said that he might even go earlier than in 6 months, more like in about 8 weeks perhaps.

When I asked if I can go with him abroad, he said that I cannot because they don't allow women in those countries ( yet, the internet has loads of posts from European and American women talking about their experiences in the country my guy wants to go to for 2 years ).

Needless to say that I am absolutely devastated. Not because he's following his dream, as I actually support him and admire him for having the courage to follow his dreams in life. I'm devastated just because of the coldness and cruelty of his actions towards me. How could he say he wanted to install a new kitchen for me, if apparently he had this grand plan all along, hence the house refurbishment?! How could he say that to me, after all he's put me through in the 2 years I am with him and after knowing that I rejected a once in a lifetime new life/ excellent job opportunity abroad, just so I could stay here with him? How could he be doing this now, after only in the beginning of this year he said that he wanted me to stay with him ( in his house ) another 5 or 6 years and that after that he might go working abroad for a couple of years but if that wouldn't happen he'd like me to stay in his house, with him, forever? I don't understand and I am so shocked that I just feel suddenly that my life is over. I cannot imagine my life without this guy in it and I truly would give my life for him, if required. This is how much I love him.

I asked him today if he has no feelings at all for people and he said that he cares about me, doesn't want any harm to come to me and wants to keep seeing me, because he's not a cold bastard ( his own words ), but that he has no attachment to people nor emotions, not even to his children. He also said that this is the person he is and that he only looks after himself and he always comes first and always will. When I asked why he is like this, he said that he's always been like this and that this is perhaps because of the kind of job he does. He also said that I am the most caring and loving woman he knows.

So, now I have one month to get another property and move out. He said he wants me to get another home in this area ( me paying, of course, and him visiting me each 3 months when coming to the UK ). When I asked him if he will really come to stay with me each 3 months during those 2 years he'll be working abroad, he said that he will, but that he may also decide to stay in that far away country for good.

I am lost for words and the pain I am feeling is beyond words. I just cry with no end, day and night. I don't know what to do and I am not having the emotional strength to make a decision...shall I really get another place to live in this area, as he said and wants? Shall I just drop everything and leave the country too? How shall I know the real meaning of his actions / words? How can I know whether he really wants me to stay in his life? I am so terrified... it's all feeling like I'm just having a nightmare and I keep praying to God ( not literally though ) that He please, please makes all this just a nightmare and when I wake up to reality it'll all be ok and nothing of this is happening... But God isn't listening to me either...

I never expected this guy ( or anyone ) to make me happy... his presence in my life is enough to make me happy and I've always done everything else to be happy...I'm / was by nature a happy go kind of person...just not now, because I am feeling that I am loosing a vital part of myself and I am being too coward and weak to face it...pain and fear took place instead.

I cannot believe that I fell like this for this guy. I wasn't even interested in having a man in my life when I met him. I didn't even really like him when I first saw him. Yet, he chased me and made sure that he'd catch me, but... bearing in mind how he's treated me the last 2 year and what he's doing now...well, why did he want to catch me? What for? To be cruel to me? Why do I keep feeling that despite he coldness and cruelty, he has feelings for me? I am just so incredibly confused and lost. I'm so sorry.

T
Hi T: Well, this is a sad situation indeed. Sad on many fronts and I am very sorry you are going through this tough time. Would you be cruel as he is to another human being? I doubt it. Sometimes in life, we just don't want to give up, we want to win no matter what. Sometimes we can't win no matter how hard we try. Sometimes we have to know when to throw in the towel.

If you had a sister or a girlfriend being treated in this way by a man, what would you feel for her? What would you say to her? What advice could you give her? Be a good friend to yourself.

I don't understand about the house rental. He wants you to find another house to rent for yourself, yet he wants to stay there - free of rent, I presume - when he comes and stays with you when he is on holiday, or a break in his work. This doesn't sound right to me. Won't he be lucky to be able to come back and have a free place to stay and do as he pleases.

We know why he is doing these things. You have the proof from his own words. You wrote that he told you that he doesn't have any feelings/emotions for anyone, not even his children. Sounds to me that there is no chance of ever receiving love from this person. He sounds cold and unfeeling, unable to love.

Your self-esteem and confidence levels are down right now, as you say. It will be difficult for you to disentangle yourself emotionally from this abusive relationship (abusive is what it is to me). How can you build your esteem and confidence again? What are the things you used to enjoy and do before he came into your life? Can you do these things again

Little by little take some steps forward. It may be difficult at first, but every little step helps. Smile at yourself in the mirror in the morning and say to yourself, "I'm a good person. I deserve to be loved and cherished". or something along those lines. You can do a lot of positive self affirmations each day. Write positive and encouraging notes about yourself and leave them where you can see them as reminders. Write them down, put them in your handbag and take them out and read them when you feel down or feeling yourself going backwards. It does work. Change negative thoughts to positive thoughts even if you don't believe it at first. Be patient with yourself, the change will come. Allow yourself to grieve if you want to (you are grieving what you wanted him to be, not what he really is) but don't allow that person to take advantage of you any longer.

Hope something in the above can help you, give you some ideas. Thinking of you and saying a prayer for you to have the wisdom, courage and strength to get through this.
Let us know how it goes, we care.
i a praying for you too Tamara.
I am asking the angels to help you move away from this man as quickly as i possible . my dear sweet lady you deserve and are worth so much more than the scraps this dreadful person is throwing your way , if he can tell you has has feeling for no one not even his Children ! believe it act on it get out of his life ,do not allow him to use you as a free meal ticket or rob you of any more emotion .
I would also be asking lots of  question what is he up to when away ? working ?  why dose he need a bolt hole every three months or so ? why cant you stay in the apartment you have paying rent there ?. 
The first steps are the hardest ,you have already taken some by asking the questions and posting here .try and reconnect to past friends  ,i feel sure they will welcome you with open arms and support you .in the mean time lean on us for support freely given .
stay strong be brave the future is waiting on you xxx
Hi Seashells:

How are you today? I hope you're enjoying a lovely weekend.
Thank you for your reply.

You ask if I'd be cruel as he is to another human being? Of course I'd never be capable to be cruel to anyone. I am a very kind, warm person and spend my life helping everyone. Apparently, I have a heart bigger than myself, which I thought it's a good thing, but it isn't...people just take advantage ( not everyone, of course, but many people...those with a less nice character).

You are absolutely right...sadly, it is time to thrown in the towel, which is easier said than done in the emotional state I am in. Having said this, however, I do know I will do it sooner rather than later. I don't know how and what ( I'm really confused ), but I know I'm throwing in the towel. I already met many not nice people in my life, but I had never met an human being as awful as this guy. Imagine that yesterday morning he came home with one of his mates and for the first time ever he started singing really loud, all happy, knowing that I was in the house all heartbroken and could hear him! And he didn't even came to check on me nor even to say hello. Sure he walks often into the house without saying hello to me, but I had never heard him singing before ( he is not the singing type ). I don't know if yesterday he was doing that on purpose to hurt me even more or if it was just a coincidence, but it didn't feel good for me to hear him singing all happy in front of his mate, after what he's done to me and how. I am beginning to think that this guy is the biggest asshole I have ever met ( pardon for my bad language ). I excuse many things, but cruelty and disrespect is something that I really do not accept from anyone and certainly not from him.

As you asked, if I had a sister or a girlfriend being treated in this way by a man, what would I feel for her? I would feel sorry for her ( not in a pity kind of way, but I would feel bad and worried for her ). What would I say to her? What advice could I give her? I would tell her " RUN!!! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND DON'T STOP RUNNING...DO A TOM HANKS / FORREST GUMP! "

Yes, Seashells, he wants me to find another house to rent for yourself and he wants to stay there when he'' be coming to the UK each 3 months on vacation from that job he's going to in far away lands. Of course it'll be paying for the new home as it'll be me living there and he'd then stay there each 3 months on his work breaks - free of rent, of course . He didn't say anything about paying something , so I am also assuming he intends to stay there on his visits, for free. BUT, this is what he asked me to do. I haven't decided yet what exactly I'm supposed to do, but seeing that I don't believe a word he says anymore, even if I decide to stay in this country and move out now to the apartment I have available to me right now, I don't believe he'd go there to stay with me ( as he is saying ). I feel that this guy has just been using me and destroying me all this time and I was stupid enough to allow all this, because for some crazy reason that not even I understand, I fell for this brat like I had never fallen before for anyone, but I am realizing now that he is not the nice guy see in my deluded mind... the reality is very ugly indeed,.

In case you're wondering, no...this guy never gave me anything. I have always paid my way, including paying for the house, I do all domestic chores, I bought him little presents now and then ( I like giving little presents ), have always been loyal and faithful to him ( that is how I am anyway ). Yet, he never ever gave me anything... not even a little flower from the garden...no birthday present, no Christmas present ( not even a little card ), absolutely anything. And I have never asked for anything... I was happy just with his presence, hugs, etc ( he can be nice to me...usually about one week a month and the other 3 weeks of the months he is abnoxious...cruel and cold.

Best,
T
Hi T: Having a big heart is a good thing. You have to learn to take care of it. Not everyone is going to care how you feel and it is for you to take care of yourself and protect that big heart.

Often women are taught to be givers and not takers. Nowadays, we know that we also have needs which can and should be met. This is not selfish. This is taking care of emotional self. It isn't easy to ask for what we need if we aren't used to it. It isn't easy to just move on when a relationship is unfulfilling and even emotionally hurtful.

It sounds as though you have finally understood that this guy isn't what you thought and that is a good starting point. Not even a gift for Christmas nor your birthday? What's wrong with this picture? I think you know.

You are suffering right now. You say you are fearful of moving on by yourself, however, the way I see it, what could be worse than the suffering you are going through right now? Prolonging this situation is still hurting you. Moving on, though scary, at least has hope for the future.

I don't know how to write this nicely, but just feel I need to. In the U.S. there is a saying, rather crude, but your situation reminds me of it. It is called "a booty call". If your guy is nice only one wk. of four and has intimacy with you, then totally ignores you, he has had his needs met as in a booty call. Why would he give you up? It makes me wonder how many other booty calls he may have in other places just waiting for him.

I don't want to end on this negative note, so let's look toward the future. Imagine yourself in your own place, doing what you want to do, having real friends and real good times together. Imagine taking care of yourself and pampering yourself too. You deserve the best. Imagine learning new things, joining a club near your area, learning something new, creative arts, cooking, whatever you fancy. You are free! You are alive and you are able to do as you please. You might even be able to get a pet. There are many pets available at SPCAs just waiting for a new home. If not an animal, how about a bird? See? Many new things just waiting for you to discover! The future is exciting and just waiting for you.

Smile and be happy, the good Lord wants us to be happy and He does listen. He's given you the answers but you have to listen for them and act on them.
tamara1 wrote: Hi Chokko,

Thank you very much for your reply. You are very right... I too know that I have to leave...it's getting the psychological strength to do it ( at the same time that I'm looking for a new job ) that causes me an issue. I have never met anyone who treats people like this guy treats me. For some bizarre reason, I seem to be the only one he treats so obnoxiously. Ok, I don't really know how he treats women in general...have never seen him interact with women, but I see him with his male friends and he treats them very well.

I hope you have a good day.
T

As a male i offer a different perspective  and will give advice ...it is your call as to whether you decide to take it or not.!..My advice is to hire a private detective to do a situational report on this man .I would want to know  with proof if he is in fact married or not to the woman he is presumably living with.I would take the report to a lawyer and get him to send a hell and brimstone letter to loverboy ..,Which if nothing else will scare the bijimini out of him or at least give you another  and i would say much needed other perspective on your regretable situation.Good luck!.....Horst
Hello everyone. I can understand the situation, although my situation is a little differant.
I have wanted to talk with somone for a long time, but I thought most people would think I was crazy.
I have read the two pages here and all the messages have been wonderful.
This is going to be long, I am sorry, but there just is no short version.


I met my wife to be on the internet in 92. I enjoyed learning about her and sharing theings about me.
neighter of us had pictures to send so we were able to get to know each other as a person. After abot 6 months I traved to her part of the country to meet her. A little nervous, but i did it.
It was as if God made her just for me. Her language was a little rough, but there is a lot of that up north. We got married, and it was great. She may not win the Miss America, but she was perfect for me. I adored her. When we were apart I thought of her mostly, and when we were together, I could not keep my hands off her. We had friends, hobbies and other things to think about. . . but she was always number one. I guess it is a guy thing, but what pleased me the most, was making her happy.
Life was great. We talked about everything, although she was my favorite in everything. I had a high sex drive and she would tell me how great I was and how she could never get enough of me. Being that my mother was a country girl, I was taught early on cleaning house, cooking, dishes, laundry and such so we shared equally unless the other was sick or working extra hours. After all my mom taught me the easyest way to make a woman happy is to make sure there are no other distractions before trying to get her to relax. We were not like bunnies, although that would of been ok with me. We averaged 2 or 3 times a week, but we took our time. Then in 1999 she told me we needed to talk. She was not angry or anything like that, but she did not want to have anymore sex. Did not seem to be a big deal. I figured we hit a dry spel for a week or so. She explained she wanted us to be sexual, but had no desire. She said she would go to the doctor, but Ifigured I would be able to fix it faster than that. for about the next month, I tried to be extra sweet to her. I did most of the cooking, the laundry and dishes, run her buble bath, got salt to massage her feet with. i thought I would wind her up so much she would have to have sex with me. We went to the doctor, and then to other doctors. Then one day she told me to "STOP". She said she felt like I did not need her, that i was doing everything which just left her to stress about what was wrong with her. Tht confused me, but things went back to normal except for still no sex. After a while she would want to have sex. Out of nowhere she would want us to have sex. I would ask if she was sure, and she would say yes. It would be like the greatest thing in the world for her. i would ask was that OK, did she enjoy and she would say yes, that she missed us doing that, and wanted us to go again in 2 or 3 days. Then it would be a few months, or a year till the next time. After about 5 yrs we decided when we tried we would keep her to one climax. We tried that, and then again about 4 months later, but she said she did not like that. so we went back to what we usually did so about every 4 months to a year. Then we had sex 3 times in the same month. i thought for sure we were headed to recovery. We stopped for about 3 months. . . and after taking a bath, she found a lump. Called the doctor, she sent a sample, and it returned it was cancer. She had the surgery, then the treatments, and they were 100 % sure she was cancer free. About a year later 3 lumps on the other side. This time they going to remove them, then rebuild them like she was in her 20's. She had some complications, ripped open in bed one night, they did more surgery, and left her in a mess. it took about 5 years for her to be up walking around and getting out of the house. It now has been about 7 years without sex, and she wants us to start again. I think we are doing well better without the sex, but she says she needs it. We do and find she has some medical issues, the doctor tells her we just need to work through it. We try every couple of weeks but only till she climax, and then we stop. We did this 3 maybe 4 times. Then she tells me I take too good of care of her. She says it is not normal for guys to be like this. She says I am stuck as her caregiver, I have to stop being so understanding. A week later, she tells me she is leaving in a month. so in a month, she packs up and goes north. She is up there for 3 weeks and I call her daily and it is I do not want her to do anything, I am holding her back, I should not always make her happy. One day, she calls ME !
But this cant be her, she is telling me how great I am, the best Husband, she is so greateful for me, she owes me so much, she can not wait for me to hug her and touch her. So I ask, what I think is the big question "What happened" She says nothing. She says she was never going to leave me. She just needed some space. When I tried to ask more, she got angry. So now,it is just a topic we do not talk to each other about. She came back in Nov 2014. We were active 3 times in one week. Not just for her one time, but for like how we used to. And then we stopped again. Then 4 months later she tells me we are not going to be sexual, or intimate. So we sleep together in the bed, when we get up there is a peck on the lips and if we seperate there is a peck on the lips. So Now, I want to be active again. It took me 3 years to get to the point of not thinking about sex everyday, and I doubt I have another 15 years to be active sexually. But for whatever time is left, I do not want to miss out on holding and loving on a woman. However, I am never going to leave my wife. I take my vows serious, but I feel after 15 years, I should be able to have a woman in my arms. Now I understand that almost no woman wants to be in a situation where a man is going to be loving on her and being sexual and the relationship can not go any further than that. But it would also have to be somone who does not do drugs, smoke, drink, or use foul language. The number one person I want is my wife, but I cant have her, and I wrong for wanting the second best. I look forward to your answers.