"Bastion of Memories..."

Not being particularly upset, not crying in my beer, or thinking of suicide, i sit here at 3:00 AM, completely alone with my thoughts after the recent passing of my father and my wife.  I'm attempting to understand my feelings or lack thereof.  I as yet, feel no emotional grief nor loss.

I assume that this is due to the several years it took them to finally find relief from their lengthy and tragic maladies.  My Dad having been in assisted living for several years and my wife being in a nursing home for three.

In my view, both had suffered countless incidents, accidents, and indignities over the years.  Neither of them had any kind of "life" as we know it.  They could neither eat nor toilet alone.  They could no longer stand, watch TV, nor even communicate with family.  They were totally alone and helpless, but they were also too far gone to realize their miserable plight.  On their passing, I found relief.  Not only for them, but for myself as well.  It was a cessation to those endless calls in the night about yet another fall, medical issue, or aggressive behavior, not to mention their unrelenting attempts to "Go Home".

As I said, I feel no grief, and I've come to wonder if I'm some kind of monster.  I constantly see the faces of grief on the nightly news and on television.  I'm nowhere near that level of emotion.

For a year or more, my unconcious thoughts and dreams focused on what I missed the most from my wife, and that was our being together... Our interminable love-making.  A day prior to her passing, I even wrote a verse about it.  Again, I was concerned about any possible perversion or depravity on my part.  Nevertheless, those were the thoughts going through my mind, and I believe they played a major part in keeping us together for 34 years.

I worry about this change in my life.  I worry that those memories may now be completely erased from my life.  The devastation of that thought takes-up a huge part of my thoughts and I try to inure myself to my envisioned future.

I've yet to hear anyone talk about these things, so it gives me reason to wonder about myself.  With too much more to say, i'll just stop here with the phrase...

"I'm still just a man".

Hlo Ed and Nice 2 meet u,
I would not dare to comment on your situation,
But when i was kinda lost and bewildered, I Just kept putting one foot in front of the other, At the time, it felt meaningless, But it was my start rather then do nothing for the rest of my life, Very Best Wishes To You.

Hi edv
You are absolutely NOT a monster.
I think that you did most of your grieving before your wife and your father died, as many people do when dealing with the terminal illness of a loved one. Also have you given thought to the fact that your numbness is a form of grief?
Now you are feeling guilt and as a widow, I think that guilt is part of the territory. When my husband was ill and I knew that he was dying, I used to plan how my life would be without him. I felt so terrible doing this but I knew that I would have to go on alone. One of the things I felt when he went was relief that it was over for him and he felt no more pain. I felt guilty that I was, in a way, glad that he had gone.
Many times, I've relived past arguments etc and wished I had done or said things differently. I think that this too is part of the grieving process. Also anger – at him for leaving me, at the medical profession for not doing more, at myself for real and imagined wrongs.
You will not lose your memories, it is over ten years for me now and things are still sharp in my mind. There will probably be some things that you wish you could forget. The main thing to hold on to is your love for each other, never doubt that, it will get you through much.
One thing I know is that we each grieve differently. No way is the right way.
Try to hold on to the best memories, when you laughed together, even in bed. What I miss most are hugs, just holding and being held, there is nothing like it.
You sound like a strong person and you will come out the other end of this and carry on, as so many of us have to do.
Scrummy is right, one foot in front of the other.
Good luck.

Hello Scrummy & Weird one...

Thank You both for your input. I continue to live my life, and as you both said, I just put one foot in front of the other. Not much more to do as far as available options go. Anyway... Thank You Both. May our horizons forever beckon to us, and may our bodies continue to allow us to try and get there, if only to see what is over that edge.

Way to go Ed, Your life may or may not get better,
But You Will, Hugs Man.

Hi, Ed!

When my husband passed away- all of a sudden- I was very much afraid that memories - the only that gave me the feeling that we are still "linked" will disappear, and then i would be absolutely alone. So i wanted to save every moment of our past life, all his jokes i remember, all his sayings, glances, touches, everything... So I started a Word file and recorded everything that came to my mind whenever it happened. I did it for a long time, can't tell exactly - a year or two, so the file became rather big. And I felt comfort - if I start to forget anything - I will just reread these notes. Now I do not write in this file, but I know that i have it. I never reread it yet. Because i remember everything and even more.

And I know, that I have to live - otherwise I would already die. But as I am alive - i have to live. And I keep lining - step by step. At first I also had a feeling that i watch the life around me like a film or through the window. I went by bus, or by trolley, or by a tram from one part of the town to another - aimless- just watched the life in streets. Or i went to a cafe and sat by the window and watched the life passing by. The new life. Without him. Without me. I was a stranger in this new life.

I do not know, how it happens, but some time passed and i found myself 'involved' in this new life. They say that a human being changes absolutely in 7 years. I do not know if its true, but I feel that now I am different from myself those days.

Hello Freken...

I too kept a journal of sorts, but mostly of my wife's trials and tribulations during the last year's of her illness and life. It has supposedly helped several people caring for their own loved ones to foresee what to expect. Not much happiness for me though.

Thank You...

edv7028