Not being particularly upset, not crying in my beer, or thinking of suicide, i sit here at 3:00 AM, completely alone with my thoughts after the recent passing of my father and my wife. I'm attempting to understand my feelings or lack thereof. I as yet, feel no emotional grief nor loss.
I assume that this is due to the several years it took them to finally find relief from their lengthy and tragic maladies. My Dad having been in assisted living for several years and my wife being in a nursing home for three.
In my view, both had suffered countless incidents, accidents, and indignities over the years. Neither of them had any kind of "life" as we know it. They could neither eat nor toilet alone. They could no longer stand, watch TV, nor even communicate with family. They were totally alone and helpless, but they were also too far gone to realize their miserable plight. On their passing, I found relief. Not only for them, but for myself as well. It was a cessation to those endless calls in the night about yet another fall, medical issue, or aggressive behavior, not to mention their unrelenting attempts to "Go Home".
As I said, I feel no grief, and I've come to wonder if I'm some kind of monster. I constantly see the faces of grief on the nightly news and on television. I'm nowhere near that level of emotion.
For a year or more, my unconcious thoughts and dreams focused on what I missed the most from my wife, and that was our being together... Our interminable love-making. A day prior to her passing, I even wrote a verse about it. Again, I was concerned about any possible perversion or depravity on my part. Nevertheless, those were the thoughts going through my mind, and I believe they played a major part in keeping us together for 34 years.
I worry about this change in my life. I worry that those memories may now be completely erased from my life. The devastation of that thought takes-up a huge part of my thoughts and I try to inure myself to my envisioned future.
I've yet to hear anyone talk about these things, so it gives me reason to wonder about myself. With too much more to say, i'll just stop here with the phrase...
"I'm still just a man".
I assume that this is due to the several years it took them to finally find relief from their lengthy and tragic maladies. My Dad having been in assisted living for several years and my wife being in a nursing home for three.
In my view, both had suffered countless incidents, accidents, and indignities over the years. Neither of them had any kind of "life" as we know it. They could neither eat nor toilet alone. They could no longer stand, watch TV, nor even communicate with family. They were totally alone and helpless, but they were also too far gone to realize their miserable plight. On their passing, I found relief. Not only for them, but for myself as well. It was a cessation to those endless calls in the night about yet another fall, medical issue, or aggressive behavior, not to mention their unrelenting attempts to "Go Home".
As I said, I feel no grief, and I've come to wonder if I'm some kind of monster. I constantly see the faces of grief on the nightly news and on television. I'm nowhere near that level of emotion.
For a year or more, my unconcious thoughts and dreams focused on what I missed the most from my wife, and that was our being together... Our interminable love-making. A day prior to her passing, I even wrote a verse about it. Again, I was concerned about any possible perversion or depravity on my part. Nevertheless, those were the thoughts going through my mind, and I believe they played a major part in keeping us together for 34 years.
I worry about this change in my life. I worry that those memories may now be completely erased from my life. The devastation of that thought takes-up a huge part of my thoughts and I try to inure myself to my envisioned future.
I've yet to hear anyone talk about these things, so it gives me reason to wonder about myself. With too much more to say, i'll just stop here with the phrase...
"I'm still just a man".