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[vegasvixen25]

Please excuse me if this is not a proper subject. I'm new to the cyberworld and especially to Forums..but I'm really in need of some sound advice..

It never occurred to me as I 'flitted' here, there and everywhere in younger days that I would feel so guilt-ridden about having taken more care to be sure that my 'Golden Years' would not be 'struggle'....as they are for my mother and youngest brother...who are "drug-users' and always in need of money, food, a roof over their head and at times...all of the above.

Supporting them both (and for a time my brothers kids) has been going on for more YEARS than I'd like to admit! They all at one time or another have stole, embezzeled, lied and caused much turmoil in my life, then I ever thought a family member would..

It's' not their problem and I know that ...all I have to do is say NO and walk away..but I don't or I do and go back...and all the while knowing that I'm being used and abused..'cuz they know how desparate I am for their love!

The solution appears to be simple...I just keep complicating it with emotions..it would be easier if I couldn't see what is happening..but I do and allow the enabling to continue..

I was fortunate for a few years before the most wonderful friend that a person could have passed away last year..she'd practically spank me !! (which I would promptly thank her for)...my brother and 30 yr old out of work nephew were living with my husband and I once again when she 'passed' which made it impossible for me to mourn her properly...

Should anyone that reads this, have any suggestions or advice...I will gladly listen...I just want to stopping 'hurting'...and be proud to be me, enjoy my life with my husband, make friends and smile again! Yes, I see my doctor and take the proper medication, but I know that I need to do more...

Thank You for taking the time to read my pathetic admissions.

[jazbo1118]

hey v.v.
i can really relate to what you are going thru because i have been there myself;in my case it has been with my dad.throughout most of his adult life he has never been able to hang onto as much as a nickel.he is now 87 and is 13,000 dollars in credit card debt.during the 50s and 60s he had us living beyond our means and always trying to stay one step ahead of the creditors.at one point back in the mid 60s,it got so bad we almost lost our home becuase if his terrible management of the household finances.then everything came to a breaking point when,1]our family was nearly broke and 2]he met a woman on a business trip who was a widow who while not exactly rich was living comfortably on her deceased husbands life insurance and investments.he left my mother and married her but over the next 10 years he went thru most of her money.they almost divorced but then reconciled when they both realized that they couldnt really afford to divorce.she eventually passed away which left my dad with just his social security check to live on and their house to live in which he shared with my step brother.so waht does he do now?calls me asking for money when i am the least able of all the siblings to give him some.they are all mad at him for many reasons including of course what has been described here.he doesnt ask any of them for funds so i give in and send him what i can anyway.bec ause heis,after all,my dad.
the above has been a show of empathy for you,
bill in milwaukee.

[Guest]

hi
every one makes mistakes in life especially when we are young and dont really understand life. you are helping family who hurt you but you forgive them and still help . i think that you must forgive yourself as you forgive them and love yourself as you wish they would love you.
You sound a loving caring human being and you deserve love so start by loving yourself.
good luck

[Sortfshy]

Don't feel guilty. I too did not prepare myself for the future. I thought I would be working for years to come. However, I broke my neck, back, and damaged my cyatic nerve. Not everyone thinks to prepare themself for setbacks. What matters is what you do with the assets you know have. God bless you. I wish you the best.
Sortfshy

[EastCoastGrl]

I empathize with you too. I have a couple of brothers who can't mannage two cents. One is into dope and the other gambles. Neither habit is lethal or fatal in and of themselves, but over time they do destroy you. I have given them much in the past. Then came the day when I had a critically sick child and needed every dime I had to pay for her expenses. They stopped calling me when I called them looking for help. They have never paid me back. I doubt they ever will.

There are two different matters here. One is what they do to you and the other is what you do to yourself. You may see this more clearly if you think of it like a logic tree, a series of questions that have two or more possible answers. Each answer leads to another question that also has several possible answers.

Your family members call/ask for money. Your choices are simply Yes or No. If NO then that is it and you are done, no loss of money, no remorse, no guilt. But if the answer is YES then you must decide where the money will come from and how much to give. And you continue.

If you have a lot of money and you can afford the loss and won't notice it, then you must deal with the morality of it all, what the funds are going to be used for etc. If you cannot afford it easily then you must take money that would have been spent for something else. That puts those other things at risk, for example money meant for RRSPs, a holiday fund, college fund, home reno etc. You will come to resent the demand because of what you are missing.

Example, my ex smokes cigars, the more expensive the better. He always ignored the plea to quit due to poor air quality, the smell, the effect nicotine had on the house, etc. One day my daughter calculated how much he had spent on smokes over a 20-year period. The number was astounding. The kids had wanted holidays or a second car and we could never afford it. They resented every puff after that.

There comes a time when everyone should be held accountable for their actions. We demand it at work, from the public and from our children as they grow up. It is not unreasonable to expect these adults to do the same. If they are healthy, strong, and capable of working, they should have a job. And they should learn to live within their means. That's how the world works. It is unfair and unreasonable for them to expect you to pay their way and not expect to repay you. What happened to them to enable them to do this, to give them the notion that this is right or a good thing to do?

This may seem like a big thing but throughout our lives we are forced to grow, to move on, to try things that we think we aren't ready for or that might seem scary. We take a soother from our baby, we wean them, we put them to bed alone, or with the lights off. We send them to school, teach them to swim. etc. It's time to cut the string that's choking you, relatives shouldn't have a rope around your neck, sucking the life out of you. You have been a dutiful loved one for a long time. Saying No isn't as hard as you might think. And it won't kill them, regardless what they may lament.
J

[Guest]

Hello V,

You could try attending an AA meeting or an NA (narcotics anonymous) . Find some group for adult children of substance abusers. They can provide guidance on how to help your family more effectively. It sounds like you have bailed them out many times, but have not been able to get them on their feet.

This is an emotionally abusive relationship for you, sort of emotional blackmail. It creates fear of becoming independent from your family, which you ought to be by now.

Your photo is very beautiful, are you still married? Are you trying to find a new partner?

I wish you all the best and hope you will find the answer, even if it is a difficult pill to swallow.

M

[Guest]

I have done crisis line work - counselling etc

my question to all women is

WHO IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE??

IF the person hesitates OR says anyone OTHER than the correct answer I go

BUZZZ Wrong Answer

The ONLY answer is ME

ONLY then can anyone help anyone else

I have prevented more suicides by that simple question which then opens up the discussion

IF you cannot answer that question with ME - then get thee to a good counsellor - you do not have to pay for the rest of the family

Learn how to say NO and MEAN it

All the best

Gerry

[EFTGuru]

I found it quite difficult to understand your letter as it was quite disjunctive, but if I get the gist from your headline and the mention of Hangers-on, then the answer is "NO". Feeling anything but happy and content is not a normal state, hanging on to old issues will just invade your present. You need to balance your body's energy fields and flows, removing the blockages and negative beliefs that are stopping you from living a gilt-free and happy life.

In my experience the best tool for this is EFT - Emotional Freedom Techniques, which is also known as "Tapping". I suggest you Google you nearest and best fitted EFT Trainer and learn this fantastic therapeutic technique. The workshop should be just a one-day affair.

Love and energy,

John.

[HarryB]

V

As an addictions counsellor I often encounter problems like yours. The simple answer to your problem is, of course, to say no to your exploitative relatives but I understand how difficult that can seem. We are often afraid to incur their disfavor lest we lose them and be abandoned. Sometimes too we badly need their approval or love, in order to complete ourselves in some way, something they will never grant us, keeping us forever hooked to them. This is often the case in abusive marriages and in relationships between children and parents. The best way to hang on to someone, a child, spouse, or other important person is to sabotage their self esteem while they keep taking the abuse in a futile attempt to finally gain their love or acceptance.

It's not clear to me what you feel guilty about; giving in to them or guilt if you don't. If it's giving in to them then I think your feelings of guilt are completely appropriate. Obviously part of you knows what you're doing is wrong and wants you to change. If it's guilt you're feeling for not giving them what they want it is inappropriate and you need to look at what you are so afraid of about refusing them.

Someone above mentioned counselling and I think that's a great idea. I'm not sure that attending AA or NA would be helpful, however Alanon, for the family and friends of alcoholics, might prove quite beneficial.

I hope this has been helpful!

[Minskore]

Been there, got the t-shirt! I have 14 estranged siblings, all of whom I have not had any contact with in many years. And I'm all alone in this world. Why? Because, like you, I was desperate for their love, and acceptance and friendship and I tried to achieve that by going over and above what was expected of me, I tried to give and give and give, and do and do and do, all the while thinking, that my giving and doing for them would gain me favour with them and they'd love me and want me in their lives. But all that ever happened was that I'd get used and abused time and time again, and I'd be hurt and devastated for a while and then I'd try again, and the same thing would happen all over again.

Bottom line. I got to the point of having to make a hard tough choice - to let go, to walk away from them, because they were enhancing my life, they were bringing misery, and heartache and pain into my life and I could not be happy or content as long as this went on. So at a certain point I made the decision to do what I call "divorced my family". I told them that I canot have them in my life anymore, and that I would like for them to consider me non-existent, as would I with them. I never looked back after that. It was very very hard and very hurtful and very lonely. BUT, I know I am better off for it and my life has been much more content and peaceful since.

People told me, "oh but they're family, sometimes you have to look the other way, you can't just abandon family". And I responded with, "why not?". It takes more than the DNA to make you family, it takes love and acceptance and respect and understanding and when that's not there, there is no family.

I am now at a point in my life where I am making a conscious effort to replace my loss by trying to build close friendships and create a new family for myself with people I actually "choose", people I actually like, and people who can love me back, accept me, and not just use me.